When Braden was an infant, I was a stay-at-home mom. I worked at a daycare up until the day I delivered him, and we just couldn't see me putting him in a facility so I could go to work in another. There were, of course, a few other factors, but that was the big one.
For a time I watched two children in their home, and took B there with me. That situation wasn't great either, and we decided that my place was with him. My husband was in a good place with work, and I was starting to get the itch to go back to college. I enjoyed being home with him. Life was so simple then. I really had no idea how good those days were.
With all that time to think, I remember deciding that I wanted a positive way to give back to the world. I'd always been taught to give of myself; I had a very religious upbringing, and my mom and step-dad always volunteered through our church. It made perfect sense that as I built my adult life, I should do the same. With all that 20/20 hindsight, I can say that I wanted to prove that I was a responsible adult and that seemed like a good place to start (compensating for the fact that I'd become a 21-year old unwed mother).
I had stopped attending church as my high school years ended and my parents' marriage fell apart. So I'd need to choose a cause. I decided that I would do a breast cancer walk.
My step-mother's mother had recently undergone treatment for breast cancer. She was in remission and doing well. I didn't know anyone else who had been touched by the disease. In fact, I didn't really even know her. But as a young woman, it was one that made me feel at-risk.
The walk I found was at a zoo near my dad's house, and it turned out to be a great excuse to see them. We pushed my step-brother and my son (they're only 10 months apart!) around the zoo and had a great time. I may have even learned a factoid or two about breast cancer.
By the time the walk came around the next year, we were knee-deep in appointments and evaluations searching for reasons why our sweet boy wasn't talking. He was now 26-months old, and his developmental train seemed to have jumped the track. Being responsible had taken on new meaning, and I didn't have time or energy to give of myself outside our family's four walls.
Fast forward to present. Still wanting to find ways to give back, I have worked in the non-profit field off and on since 2006. Non-profit work can be very rewarding, but it is very demanding. Human resources often compensate (or are expected to compensate) for a shortage of financial resources. I have left those positions voluntarily, but with my proverbial tail between my legs.
In the last few months, it's finally clicked for me why those jobs didn't work out. They were all cause-driven, and as much as I would like to I just don't have any more of myself to give. Autism didn't ask permission, it just weaseled it's way into our lives and demanded that I give it all of me.
When I was younger, I thought I could choose a cause and be on my way toward a life of social responsibility. I was too naive to realize that it is a very special, and very fortunate, person who can commit to a movement solely out of agreement with it's end. Humans are inherently self-serving.
Building on that idea, Gahndi is credited with saying, "Be the change you wish to see in the world." I would love to see breast cancer - all cancer for that matter - eradicated. But not more than I want my son to grow and thrive. And not more than I want to see ASD give my baby a day off from it's oppressive hold on him. Why? Because I'm human, therefore self-serving. Because I'm a mom. Because (and here's the part where for once I'll let myself off the hook) my cause found me.
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